I've got it.
My brother is coming to visit me soon. Recently, I moved away from most of my family to pursue a PhD in Composition & Rhetoric and find out how essential tweed and elbow patches are to pretension (I'm doing an unauthorized study of this). I'm stoked my brother is coming. I need him to come and not because anything is going poorly or I feel overwhelmed or anything. I need him to come because I need contact with the elements that formed my identity up to this point. I'm afraid I'm losing those things that make/made me who I am/was. My brother gave me many of the elements that form my "self." Now, I need him to reenforce those things.
So, here is a list of three things I'd like to never lose about myself. My purpose for sharing is to get anyone who reads this to ignore my list and think up their own.
1. The mindset of inclusion:
Using hyperbole, let me tell you what academia is ALL about. Exclusion. Many many many of the systems in place in academia exist to exclude people in some way. Those who take part in this exclusion argue that its exclusion based on intellect, which makes it ok. What they neglect to mention is that in reality it's often exclusion based on a shared set of subjective criteria that cater to the abilities of power groups. To put it in terms my 18-year-old self would prefer: Academia is full of shit because it doesn't understand how full of shit it is. Now, that's an unfair statement because many people inside of academia attempt to work against this system of exclusion. In fact, a more accurate assessment would be to criticize the institutions for this problem, but I'm doing the super reductive thing and lumping everyone together.
I see this exclusionary mindset every day in both obvious and subversive ways. I hate it even though to some degree it's unavoidable. What I need then, is to maintain my mindset of inclusion--a system in which I choose to see people and things for the value and functions they have instead of the value and functions they do not have. Or the value and functions I believe they do not have based on my bullshit criteria.
2. A lack of fears (social and failure)
Don't get me wrong I'm afraid of stuff. Mostly scenarios that involve McDonald's closing or finding out that Dr. Pepper gives people nut cancer. But back in the day, thanks to a family full of people who said whatever bounced through the synaptic chain, I didn't worry about offending people. I didn't fear the repercussions of those with greater "authority." It never crossed my mind. That's still the case thank (insert deity here). I do concern myself more with not offending people with insensitivity. So, I think before I speak on sensitive subjects like race, gender, sexual orientation, or sexual disorientation (it can be confusing people). In the position I'm in now it might be easy to fear those who have the power to grant me the things I want in life ... a PhD ... a nice teaching job ... a double cheeseburger. But if I cross that line, where does it stop? When do I stop placating those who can grant me things and imprint my stamp on the world? No. I can't do it. I can't be afraid of losing what I have.
It sounds cliche, but I need to know that at any moment I can lose every "thing" I have in this world and still be ok.
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| Here's a nice young fellow showing his resourcefulness by using the bar as a pillow. That's a college education for you. |
3. The ability to party
I'm old, or at least, I feel old. It's getting harder and harder to burn the midnight oil, to rage against the dying of the light. I don't need to spend every night watching drunks get tossed at closing time, but I would like to hold onto 22-year-old Marc a little bit. I'd like to summon the power to dance the night away with some randoes ... a friend's word for randoms. If I can't hold onto this, what have I become? Old. Domestic. Lame. No! I won't let that happen. I want to mix it up, make it happen, strike up conversations with complete strangers. I want to meet Lincoln's version of Earl the Squirrel.
There are many things about who and where we come from that form our sense of self. These elements are fluid and contextual. But if I can identify them, and I'm not even sure I can, I want to hang onto a few of the elements that formed my self up to this point. I want to tell really inappropriate jokes and wear sweat pants everywhere I go. I don't want to shave for days or weeks and come out looking like Pancho Villa. I know some aspects of my self have to change. That's inevitable, but if my surroundings have the ability to construct me, perhaps I have the ability to construct myself to a degree. I'll start by hanging onto these three things.
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