Drunk Voting: As American as Drunk Anythinging

So, eight votes huh. Eight votes were the difference between Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum at the Iowa caucuses. Eight. Not even enough to field a baseball team or a football team or a team from that sport with the balls and the feet. Can't touch the ball with your hands or you'll break a nail? Soccer ... that's it. The people who put Mitt Romney over the top in Iowa couldn't even buy some lovely dresses, have lunch with the gals, and form a soccer team.

It's crazy to think about, especially as a member of a generation that grew up believing their votes don't matter much. What's one vote in a sea of a million votes? Or even a thousand votes? Apparently, it's 1/8 the deciding vote.

When I heard that eight votes had been the difference, I started to wonder. With a margin so small, couldn't the smallest, most ridiculous thing have turned it? During voting, there must be a certain percentage of people who push the wrong button by accident or fill out the ballot incorrectly or something. Then, my gray matter really started going, and I asked the question of all questions.

How many people go vote while drunk or stoned?

He voted for Michelle Bachman.

This is America right? We do almost every activity while drunk or stoned. Teachers teach. Pilots pilot. Janitors janit. All while working on a good mid-day drunk or stepping out for a "smoke." That's reality people. So, in all those voters, I'd say at least eight were hitting the sauce or the pipe right before casting their votes. Here's how I imagine it happening:

Huh? What time is it? Oh shit I gotta go vote. No problem, it's just down the block. Tommy can I get my tab I gotta go vote. Santorum 2012 you know? Man I'm pretty fucked. Later Tommy. Let's see, I'm on Ashland. I need to go to Maple; that's only three blocks from here. (one hour later) There it is. I made pretty good time too. "Can I see your ID please sir?" Sure it's right here. Santorum 2012! Whoohooo!. Ok, shhhhhh. I'll be quiet. I'm sorry. Just in there? Ok. Ok Santorum? Santorum? Where is Santorum? The names are so small. I should have brought my glass. Oh well. (Covers eyes and points). Got it. (Walks out of booth). Santorum 2012! Whoohooo!. After party at The Elms! Sorry. Yeah, I'll be quiet. (in a whispered voice) Santorum 2012. Whooohooo.

Eight people just like that, and we're looking at New Hampshire in a completely different light. Put it on a national scale and think back to the 2000 presidential election between Gore and Bush. Maybe the Democrats lost because 1/1000 of them were baked and accidentally voted for Bush while the song "Glycerine" ran through their heads. Is it likely? I don't know. But I'm curious to know how elections are influenced by such things. Someone look into it. I've got other stuff to do.