Paul Read: Champion, Assassin, Bear Wrestler

Some people cannot be duplicated. They cannot be replicated or recreated. They are extremely rare and truly one of a kind. I've met maybe three of these people in all my life. One, who resides in Maryville, Missouri, has a seemingly normal life. He's retired at roughly 70, works part-time at a golf course, mows his lawn, and does all the other things retired people do (wakes up a 4 a.m., drinks enough coffee to kill small children, etc.). But the character of this man is something I've never seen before. It's an uneven mixture of grandpa, mountain man, ninja assassin, and court jester. I DO NOT know the complete story of this man's life, but here's what I imagine it might be.

Paul Read was born under unusual circumstances in that he was not born at all. He simply appeared one day on the streets of Winterset, Iowa while a tornado blew its way down main drag. One moment townsfolk quivered in fear as the twister tore threw their town; the next, they saw a boy of 15 standing where the tornado had been, a bag of sunflower seeds in one hand and a Throton in the other (it's a kind of rubber football type thing). Who is this child? people wondered. Where has he come from? What the hell is that rubber thing in his hands? They had no answers. Nor did they have answers for why the tornado had disappeared. They were simply grateful for the avoided destruction and embraced the boy as their own.


Quickly, the people of Winterset understood that this was no ordinary teenage boy. He ran with the speed of the wind, disappeared for days at a time, and tackled large game to feed himself and the townspeople. He had no need for school; he simply stared at a book and understood its concepts and content. His true passion focused on teaching the town his favorite games: Tower Ball, Pickle Ball, and Ultimate Frisbee. Of course, Paul had to remove himself from the games as he was to athletic to be contained by boys, men, or the forces of nature like gravity.


What truly perplexed his neighbors was Paul's most unusual hobby ... bear wrestling. Daily, he ventured into the woods surrounding Winterset to challenge the bear population in the wrestling arena. He worked over beasts 10 times his size with razor sharp claws and teeth, often toying with them by forcing them to hit themselves with their own paws while he commanded the bears to "Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself" between chuckles. Eventually, citizens of Winterset began attending his matches. It became quite a spectacle, and when asked why he chose to put himself in danger he only remarked, "What danger? Danger's gettin soft. That bear's in danger."

The face the bear makes when Paul Read rabbit punches him. 

But greatness like Paul's does not come without consequences, and soon the women of Winterset began vying for the boy's attention. He was unlike any man before or since, and as such, couldn't contain the lust of the town's female population. Women from 15 to 65 dogged his footsteps, begging for even a night of his affection. To many, and I mean many, he conceded, giving them the greatest nights of their lives. But as wise and generous as he was, he couldn't see that one night would never be enough for the women, and when he gave his heart to only one, Mrs. Paul Read, the women of Winterset went insane. The problem came to a head when Martha Edelstein stabbed Eliza Pinknese in the eye with a knitting needle.


After Martha's insanity plea and internment into the Des Moines Home for Women Driven Mad by Paul Read, Paul decided it was time to leave Winterset and make the world his home. For the next seven years, he moved from place to place, working as a freelance assassin to make this world a better place. With his incredible speed, strength, and Throton skills, he cut his way through organized crime syndicates, corrupt governments, and drug cartels, leaving a trail of blood across the globe. His signature, a Throton-sized hole in the heads of his victims, haunted the nightmares of evil men. Evil acts dropped 80% in the time Paul spent cleaning this world up.


By 25, the work was drying up. People feared Paul, and out of respect for his skills, stayed on the straight and narrow. With the world a safer place, Paul decided to return to his passion of teaching games to children. From that point on, his Throton was no longer a weapon of mass destruction but a teaching tool. He moved to a small town in Northwest Missouri, where he would also continue his favorite past time, bear wrestling.


Paul spent the remainder of his days in peace, teaching children and wrestling bears. He must be careful as his raw manliness and sexuality still push women to lunacy. He avoids places often populated by women and attempts to turn off his machismo as much as possible. He still tests himself daily, finding the bears that populate the woods near Mozingo Lake and wrestling them into submission. Some say he speaks with the bears as friends, telling stories of their early days together. Others say his domination of the bear population has kept them from rising in rebellion. 


One thing's for sure. If you make the trip to Mozingo Lake one morning just as the sun breaks the horizon, you might hear the roar of a tremendous grizzly bear, and you may soil yourself in fear. But fear not. That's no roar of aggression; that's a scream of pain. He's just been dropped by the Great Paul Read. 


Yeah, it probably happened just like that.